Egg Samich

June 1, 2013 Sleeping late- Allyssa sticks her little pinkie finger up my nose..." Momma you got a sore up in there." (Yeah, thanks babe- knowed it) I'm Gonna lay in bed a while and cool my jets, eat some nutty buddies...."Momma I'm bout to go fishin can you make my bed while I go get my tackle box together, just for today please???" (Sure babe anything for my sweet cheeks) Ok now I'm gonna go purge my colon and read my new book a few mins when I hear Boone say..." Momma I'm starving, I made Allyssa some noodles but can you make me an egg samich with some of RJ's yard eggs he brought us?" (Heck why not) K- now, beds made. Poop half completed. Allyssa had some noodles for breakfast via her big brother, she's good. (Shut up don't judge me people) Brock's happy on The lake this morning..... Tackle box packed, rod and reel gassed up, fishing boat ready to rock, mommas bout ready to hit the pool with sis...and last but not least the egg samich is made!!!!! I call him- BOONE? BOONE!!?? Hey BOOOOOO-----EWWWW-----OOOOONNNNUUUUUUOOOONNNNN????? Yo samich is ready!!! I look out the door- Boone is driving off with Chase- with the boat. Tackle box on the back... Blowin me a kiss-----" be back later MOMMA, you can eat my samich I'm not that hungry." I don't like eggs. It's starting to rain. I feel another cramp. HAPPY SATURDAY EVERYBODY- I'm living the glamorous life - try not to hate babe. Try not to hate. ;););).

I remember the day Allyssa was born. For some reason I woke up thinking about it.... And of course my thoughts bounce between my Momma and my baby girl. (2 of my 3 favorite women in 10,000 galaxies) I'm remembering those moments in the OR..... The day she was born. June 13, 2007 at 1332..... I can hear those words. Those words that still randomly ring in my ear. The words that take me back in time in an instant. Like a dream I'm that girl in that gown, on that table, with my heart in my throat- waiting on my first little baby girl. "Christy" (why is he standing here looking at me?) "listen to me Christy." (Why do i need to listen?) "Christy something is wrong." (Yeah I can see that, dad is in the floor, why is he in the floor, where is the camera, somebody get the camera I don't care what's wrong, get the camera and get me some pictures of my baby girl, this is her day not ours now get the camera!.... we can discuss this later....get the god forsaken camera or I'm flipping some tables over in here as soon as I can feel my legs) "Christy it's her arm, it's didn't develope." I say "OK let me see her" - I can hear her crying (thank you Jesus) she's probably crying because everyone's gawking at her... "let me see her." They bring her wrapped up by this time- I say, " no you let me see her... "Unwrap her".... and you get that camera out and you take a picture of her and I mean now- your not gonna Jip her because you don't think her arms looks right." Let me touch her..... I wanna smell her... Let me feel her.... I want my lips on her. I want her to hear me tell her she's beautiful.... And I want her just like she is....she needs to hear her mother tell her she is perfect..... And they do and I do. And my heart loves her- instantly she became the third part of my life. My girl and my boys. My life and my heart and my soul. There she is.... Her beautiful little self. My sweet girl.... Please tell me she isn't in pain.... Does this hurt her? Can she possibly be in pain because of this? I think Dr. Conrad told me no, but to be honest I couldn't hear much because My God had already arrived.... Never Had I been so sure about anything in my entire life. He was there. Maybe because all The other tricky times in my life it had been his angels I had felt... Those feelings were the same but different. This is him today. I feel him today. I had felt close to god before but never like this. My thoughts remind me of Moses and his hair turning white because he was directly in Gods presence. I remember laughing for a second thinking about my hair being white and sticking straight up on my head. I really did! I remember it all so well.... i knew that it was God, it was him. I didn't hear his audible voice..... I surely didn't see his face- my hair is still brown.... (Thank goodness) But I knew. Ever hear the terms "I know" it's an all encompassing term when speaking in his terms. "I KNOW " for me that day his was an instant understanding. An instant comfort- without words. Without pictures. I knew in an instant that it was well..... It was well with my soul. I knew- it was God's speed. I knew it was God's divine plan. I knew it was agape. I knew that it was settled. I knew that, that day I became someone else- I knew that I knew. Unless anyone has ever been in the presence of god like that- you cannot understand what this means. The day Allyssa was born was the first time for me- He made me into something different through her. God's presence in that room was like a tent over me....over each one of us willing to feel. I felt him on my skin. I heard him inside my soul. I smelled him. I tasted him. I could see him in the periphery of my vision.....felt him on the back of my neck... The room was him. The air was him..... No words were needed. His presence in the room answered my soul. He didn't answer my conscious questions with words or language. His presence answered my soul.... Without a word he answered my soul......he gave me peace and understanding with the phrase.... "I am" And god as my witness that is the last time I honestly can say that I have worried over Allyssa. I know it sounds almost shameful....A mother that does not worry. But my heart honestly does not worry over her. How can I? The impression he left with me that day took that worry away- it hasn't faded. He left a mark on me that will never disappear.... He is the alpha and omega. The beginning and the end..(stand back I'm gonna preach) I'm not preaching because I'm good. I'm not putting on because I need to show off. I'm not sharing because I need to hot dog- I'm sharing because I have to. I need to. Who keeps this stuff in? Who keeps a second with God like that inside.? I cannot. I can still hear that sound in my ears.... It was god touching every sense I had. And it was the most wonderful day of my life. I asked...."Is Everything else OK? .." Dr. Conrad said it was.... "She is in great health." (I knew that already) so I said...."well, it's OK"- that's all there was to say. "It's OK." Waiting on my recovery to end. Allyssa was where the babies go. I was in a curtained area between 2, not 1 but 2 other wailing mothers. I could hear them on each side of me. Weeping, begging, pleading, screaming, sobbing..... Beside me. One on the left the other on the right. "Please Jesus give her back to me." "Let her breath, it's not too late you can, you can I know u can" - "I'll be good, please let me have her alive." ..... This broken woman had just given birth to a stillborn baby. She was so pitiful. She touched me. I had been crying too- mainly because of my experience with God, but also because I had said such embarrassing things to everyone under anesthesia i was mortified..... i wanted to Rip out my tongue. i hoped they wouldn't even remember me. It's like truth serum to me, those drugs---- nonetheless, immediately i got quiet when I heard her gut-wrenching Words.... in such a touching voice. My own tears at that moment made me feel ashamed. I dried up. How could I weep? I knew those women would have traded places with me in a second. The second lady was a Latina. I couldn't understand her words- but "I knew." My heart knew. I knew what her agonizing words meant. They were pleas.....I whispered "I love you"- I meant it. I loved those women who never knew I was there. I think about them almost everyday now.... For a long time I thought abut them everyday all through the day. I love them still. I hope they know. The first person I saw out of recovery was my mother. God help me with this memory.... I saw my sweet, sweet mother. Oh how I long for her. Her pretty smile. Her warm touch. Her precious voice. Oh how I ache for her. When I saw her I knew- I knew she had been that angel that had given me those God speed feelings all these years I talked about.. It was that same feeling- the one I had in the OR with God except it was different.....Less intense but steadying and loving and comforting just the same. It had been her all this time. momma was my angel all those years.. It was my mother with black hair and sparkly hazel eyes.. my mother with the infectious laugh... My mother was, is and always will be the Angel that helps make my soul well.....MOMMA- I love to say her name. I love her. I miss her...I want her.... what I wouldn't give to hear her say to me what she said that day when she saw me... My heart was so broken. My spirit was crushed...My body hurt, my gown was drafty, my hair was a mop...mascara down to my Adam's Apple what I wouldn't give to hear her sweet, sweet voice say to me again" It's OK baby girl.... I love you." God help me with this memory... it haunts me so. I heard later from those that were there at the hospital the day Baby girl was born. Some were taking on....weeping, wailing, gnashing some teeth.... when Momma heard this she marched right out to the waiting room...she put on her meanie voice (as best she could anyway)and she made her announcement.... here were her orders... Listen... "there will be no crying here today. if you need to cry, go outside and let it out- but when you come back in here you better have on your happy faces. I mean it. if my baby can smile with her little heart broke then there better not be nairy one of you that ain't smiling neither...I mean it...dry your eyes or go on home...you can cry when you get there! Your welcome to come back but you better have your crying out time you get here...!!!" What an angel she is...My angel. Lord help me not to wish her back...but heaven knows I would take her back in a minute. I love you Momma..... I wish you could see Allyssa right now. She's so fine. She is just so fine....She's so good...... And She's so you. Rest well My sweet Momma...I promise I will see you again. That's my story today. That's what I need to say- to search my soul today. Maybe it can help someone.... I know it helps me. ;)

In yo Face Heifas

In your face ladies..... In...... Your...... Face......

Happy Spirit Day ya'll

Now I remember why I have NEVER, EVER, NEVER dressed my kids up for stuff at school. Allyssa has cried and screamed and wigged out over every inch of garment I've put on her today----"but, but, but will everybody have a yellow bow in their hair?" "But will everybody be wearing purple socks?" "But everybody won't have on a yellow skirt." .....but...but....but..... Boooo hoooooo hoooooo....." This is the most terrible day ever because I don't even look cute." When teacher do the dress up day thingy at school it gives me a sad face.... A real big sad face....Really teachers knock it off with all the fun stuff ok- it's easier if you keep it boring and nonspirit day ok? Thanks! I used to feel guilty when I fizzled out on dress up days at school FOR MY KIDS. with every facebook upload sporting camo, and 80's hair and painted faces.... Pangs of guilt and despair would shoot me between the ventricles of my heart. Every kid running to the bus in their hand knitted frocks or their elaborate Halloween costumes looking all scary and junk- every little hunter with their faces painted green sporting a gela suit.(I just realized I have no idea how to spell gela suit) and the darling little girls dressed like Hanna Montana with their make shift microphones. My heart would ache. My motherhood questioned. The very thread of my being at stake!!!!! I would mourn my kids wearing the same sweatshirt they wore twice this week already. And I even forgot to have the little one brush her teeth, or her hair, or eat breakfast or put on clean underwear....what had I become? I was just a failure. (back then) TODAY HOWEVER- I AM TRIUMPHANT!!!!! And for all you overachiever mothers I say to you- today I join your ranks- today I persevered. Today.......I........won...... Today I say, " go, yellow jackets go- we got spirit yes we do!!!!!" Today I say move over Mary freakin poppins there's a new boob in town..... And I have an umbrella too.... And it's purple and its gold!!!! Tomorrow however- in probably gonna be back to "screw it, it ain't worth the fight" Allyssa is gonna come home half naked anyway as soon as she gets on the bus she will start dismantling and throwing her crap in the floor. Happy spirit day y'all!!!!

sniffing estrogen

Allyssa says that if she doesn't get her field trip money in by today she's "gonna be dead"..."she's just going to die and never, ever get over it as long as she lives." Somebody call somebody I'de hate for my baby girl to "die and never get over it as long as she lives." Somebody been sniffing estrogen this morning.

Anna

It just occurred to me when I was hollering and fussing at Anna girl.;););). ..... I said "do you got that Anna Roberson?" And I realized that soon ill be saying "Anna Hopkins".... I am Sooo excited. I'm gaining another youngun... Anna Roberson Hopkins... I can't believe it's time. Seems like yesterday Chase was getting ready for their first date... He was sick with nervousness. He even let me fix his hair and pick out his shirt- ( he even let me iron it!) that was 8 years ago!!! I wish momma was here so bad. She was so looking forward to it. Little did she know then that it would be Anna that stayed with her day and night those last days of her life... Singing to her, praying over her, reading to her, bathing her and loving her so selflessly......- loving her no differently than her own children and grandchildren did. It wouldn't matter to me and I know it wouldn't matter to nanny- (marriage is beautiful) .... But a piece of paper doesn't make Anna our family.....she's been our family the moment we met her. When your child, grandchild, brother or sister takes a spouse- we are responsible for loving them the same as we love our blood... (sometimes more!) they are ONE. And if you do any less you should get on your knees and pray.... And beg God to open your heart to the love that's there for the taking. I failed at that once when my brother married the second time....I wish I had not. I will always regret it... Not because she was that great because let me tell you she wasn't) ;););) .....(I know I'm terrible) but if we contribute to a divide in a young marriage then we should take some responsibility when it fails.. Families are sacred. And my parents never, ever said a cross word to or about their in laws..they never failed to get on me hard when they felt I was wrong...... In many ways they treated them better than us- but I now why they did it. They did it because they loved us....their objectiveness when I was in the wrong made it that much sweeter when they were supportive of me when they felt I was in the right.....they were and are my moral compass.... Only giving me direction when I ask for it, but giving me support whether I asked for it or not. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me- because I know what my parents think. If they think I've done my best- then I know I've done my best. they would never lie to me or discourage me from taking responsibility for my choices. When my dad says something is right- I know it's right. I pray to be that kind of support for my children. It has got to be the most difficult thing on this earth to do- mine are little so how can I know what will come one day? I just know that if God is willing- I will be the parent that mine are...(I'm gonna tell you, I can't see that happening but I may as well be ambitious) Anywho!!!! Cheerios and congratulations Chase- for hitting the jackpot- you are giving us one that is easy to love. We love her dearly already- always have! I sure wish nanny could be here to see her babies get married

The Cook is Still on Strike

Day 2 of operation TV on its ear in the front yard. Brock: tripped over it walking up to the house..(guess he hasn't noticed it yet) Boone: says he's gonna get it up tonight after he gets in from fishing. (HE said that yesterday already) Chase: quietly wonders why Aunt Christy hasn't cooked supper for 2 nights in a row. And steadily begins to lose weight. Allyssa: says we should knock the glass out and plant flowers in it and leave it. Because its pretty. Papaw Jerry: is using all the will power he can possibly muster to drive by everyday and not load it up himself Me- my chair is still facing due east. I wonder how ugly this is gonna get when the hot pockets and leftover casserole from Sunday is gone. ;);););)