I remember the day Allyssa was born. For some reason I woke up thinking about it.... And of course my thoughts bounce between my Momma and my baby girl. (2 of my 3 favorite women in 10,000 galaxies) I'm remembering those moments in the OR..... The day she was born. June 13, 2007 at 1332..... I can hear those words. Those words that still randomly ring in my ear. The words that take me back in time in an instant. Like a dream I'm that girl in that gown, on that table, with my heart in my throat- waiting on my first little baby girl. "Christy" (why is he standing here looking at me?) "listen to me Christy." (Why do i need to listen?) "Christy something is wrong." (Yeah I can see that, dad is in the floor, why is he in the floor, where is the camera, somebody get the camera I don't care what's wrong, get the camera and get me some pictures of my baby girl, this is her day not ours now get the camera!.... we can discuss this later....get the god forsaken camera or I'm flipping some tables over in here as soon as I can feel my legs) "Christy it's her arm, it's didn't develope." I say "OK let me see her" - I can hear her crying (thank you Jesus) she's probably crying because everyone's gawking at her... "let me see her." They bring her wrapped up by this time- I say, " no you let me see her... "Unwrap her".... and you get that camera out and you take a picture of her and I mean now- your not gonna Jip her because you don't think her arms looks right." Let me touch her..... I wanna smell her... Let me feel her.... I want my lips on her. I want her to hear me tell her she's beautiful.... And I want her just like she is....she needs to hear her mother tell her she is perfect..... And they do and I do. And my heart loves her- instantly she became the third part of my life. My girl and my boys. My life and my heart and my soul. There she is.... Her beautiful little self. My sweet girl.... Please tell me she isn't in pain.... Does this hurt her? Can she possibly be in pain because of this? I think Dr. Conrad told me no, but to be honest I couldn't hear much because My God had already arrived.... Never Had I been so sure about anything in my entire life. He was there. Maybe because all The other tricky times in my life it had been his angels I had felt... Those feelings were the same but different. This is him today. I feel him today. I had felt close to god before but never like this. My thoughts remind me of Moses and his hair turning white because he was directly in Gods presence. I remember laughing for a second thinking about my hair being white and sticking straight up on my head. I really did! I remember it all so well.... i knew that it was God, it was him. I didn't hear his audible voice..... I surely didn't see his face- my hair is still brown.... (Thank goodness) But I knew. Ever hear the terms "I know" it's an all encompassing term when speaking in his terms. "I KNOW " for me that day his was an instant understanding. An instant comfort- without words. Without pictures. I knew in an instant that it was well..... It was well with my soul. I knew- it was God's speed. I knew it was God's divine plan. I knew it was agape. I knew that it was settled. I knew that, that day I became someone else- I knew that I knew. Unless anyone has ever been in the presence of god like that- you cannot understand what this means. The day Allyssa was born was the first time for me- He made me into something different through her. God's presence in that room was like a tent over me....over each one of us willing to feel. I felt him on my skin. I heard him inside my soul. I smelled him. I tasted him. I could see him in the periphery of my vision.....felt him on the back of my neck... The room was him. The air was him..... No words were needed. His presence in the room answered my soul. He didn't answer my conscious questions with words or language. His presence answered my soul.... Without a word he answered my soul......he gave me peace and understanding with the phrase.... "I am" And god as my witness that is the last time I honestly can say that I have worried over Allyssa. I know it sounds almost shameful....A mother that does not worry. But my heart honestly does not worry over her. How can I? The impression he left with me that day took that worry away- it hasn't faded. He left a mark on me that will never disappear.... He is the alpha and omega. The beginning and the end..(stand back I'm gonna preach) I'm not preaching because I'm good. I'm not putting on because I need to show off. I'm not sharing because I need to hot dog- I'm sharing because I have to. I need to. Who keeps this stuff in? Who keeps a second with God like that inside.? I cannot. I can still hear that sound in my ears.... It was god touching every sense I had. And it was the most wonderful day of my life. I asked...."Is Everything else OK? .." Dr. Conrad said it was.... "She is in great health." (I knew that already) so I said...."well, it's OK"- that's all there was to say. "It's OK." Waiting on my recovery to end. Allyssa was where the babies go. I was in a curtained area between 2, not 1 but 2 other wailing mothers. I could hear them on each side of me. Weeping, begging, pleading, screaming, sobbing..... Beside me. One on the left the other on the right. "Please Jesus give her back to me." "Let her breath, it's not too late you can, you can I know u can" - "I'll be good, please let me have her alive." ..... This broken woman had just given birth to a stillborn baby. She was so pitiful. She touched me. I had been crying too- mainly because of my experience with God, but also because I had said such embarrassing things to everyone under anesthesia i was mortified..... i wanted to Rip out my tongue. i hoped they wouldn't even remember me. It's like truth serum to me, those drugs---- nonetheless, immediately i got quiet when I heard her gut-wrenching Words.... in such a touching voice. My own tears at that moment made me feel ashamed. I dried up. How could I weep? I knew those women would have traded places with me in a second. The second lady was a Latina. I couldn't understand her words- but "I knew." My heart knew. I knew what her agonizing words meant. They were pleas.....I whispered "I love you"- I meant it. I loved those women who never knew I was there. I think about them almost everyday now.... For a long time I thought abut them everyday all through the day. I love them still. I hope they know. The first person I saw out of recovery was my mother. God help me with this memory.... I saw my sweet, sweet mother. Oh how I long for her. Her pretty smile. Her warm touch. Her precious voice. Oh how I ache for her. When I saw her I knew- I knew she had been that angel that had given me those God speed feelings all these years I talked about.. It was that same feeling- the one I had in the OR with God except it was different.....Less intense but steadying and loving and comforting just the same. It had been her all this time. momma was my angel all those years.. It was my mother with black hair and sparkly hazel eyes.. my mother with the infectious laugh... My mother was, is and always will be the Angel that helps make my soul well.....MOMMA- I love to say her name. I love her. I miss her...I want her.... what I wouldn't give to hear her say to me what she said that day when she saw me... My heart was so broken. My spirit was crushed...My body hurt, my gown was drafty, my hair was a mop...mascara down to my Adam's Apple what I wouldn't give to hear her sweet, sweet voice say to me again" It's OK baby girl.... I love you." God help me with this memory... it haunts me so. I heard later from those that were there at the hospital the day Baby girl was born. Some were taking on....weeping, wailing, gnashing some teeth.... when Momma heard this she marched right out to the waiting room...she put on her meanie voice (as best she could anyway)and she made her announcement.... here were her orders... Listen... "there will be no crying here today. if you need to cry, go outside and let it out- but when you come back in here you better have on your happy faces. I mean it. if my baby can smile with her little heart broke then there better not be nairy one of you that ain't smiling neither...I mean it...dry your eyes or go on home...you can cry when you get there! Your welcome to come back but you better have your crying out time you get here...!!!" What an angel she is...My angel. Lord help me not to wish her back...but heaven knows I would take her back in a minute. I love you Momma..... I wish you could see Allyssa right now. She's so fine. She is just so fine....She's so good...... And She's so you. Rest well My sweet Momma...I promise I will see you again. That's my story today. That's what I need to say- to search my soul today. Maybe it can help someone.... I know it helps me. ;)