FEELING KIND OF SAPPY BECAUSE YOUR GONE

Okay Brock. i let you go today but i am not sure i should have. number one because you wanted to go at first then you got all iffy and stuff. Up until a few months ago you were all about going to visit a buddy but these days you are renigging alittle.....and number 2 because I am certain that the safest place that you can be is with me....and number 3 I want to protect you 24/7...and number 4 is because i'm Just not..

Last night Zeke called and wanted you to go to the Lake with him and his family for the 4th of July holiday...woo hoo. out in the boat. sunshine on your shoulders..(reminds me of a song your dad always sings)...skis, inner tubes...Keke and all his fun glory... it certainly sounds like something that I want my boy to be a part of. The lake has always always been my most favorite place to be. I want you to enjoy life. I want you to have friends. I want you to enjoy experiences.... and places and the world. i want you to love your home and be loyal to your home and family...but never bound to it as if it is a millstone around your neck. any wonderful opportunity God blesses you with I want you to take it. These are the most fun and carefree times of your life. It makes me happy to watch you enjoy your life.

At first you were receptive to the idea..then alittle less and then a little more less. You finally decided that you wanted to go "for a little while"...but you didn't want to spend the night once let alone 3 whole nights. I agreed to let you go and so did your Dad..I even encouraged. I remember when I was a little girl and even now sometimes...when its time for me to go somewhere with friends or when its time to do something "just for fun" i get to feeling all weird and scared and guilty... I never enjoyed myself away from my home...and now those feelings are even worse. I do enjoy myself once i get there.... but the anticipation of going makes me nauseated sometimes. I could tell that you were feeling alittle apprehensive....or maybe you were starting to feel a lot apprehensive...the closer it got to time to go the less you were enthused.

Still I kept urging you...and in the back of my mind and down in my gut I felt so guilty for doing so."what if he gets hurt and i forced him to go?" "what if someone is mean to him and I cant get to him?"...but still i pushed you to give it a whirl.

You left while I was at work today. I spoke with you on the phone a few times. I can still hear the fear and apprehension in your voice....."Momma, remember 10 o'clock tonight, remember that's when you are coming to pick me up." You called me just to ask, "Do you think we will get to go fishing down there?".... "i am gonna be disappointed if we dont get to fish." i could tell that this was a prelude to an "i dont think i'm gonna go revelation....but instead i shined you on because I knew in my heart it would be a super fun time...and I want you to know that its ok to have fun without the rest of us. You walk in such close proximity to your brothers foot steps it worries me that you wont have enough faith in your own abilities that you will hold back....I know you Brockie, I am your mother...and I know just how capable you are... So i urge you..."sure pack your fishing rod...of course Zeke and his Dad will fish with you....you wearily agree, and i can see your half hearted smile through the phone...i can tell by the sound of your voice what look is on your face...My heart cracks.... I say,"I love you Brockie, this will be fun".....(what I want to say is "aww to Hell with it...you stay home with Momma...when i get home we will snuggle on the couch!"...But i dont.

Nanny takes you to Zeke's house for me. I am working and Daddy is too... I am busy at work but inside I feel an uneasy ache. "what if he gets hurt?" "what if he wants to come home?" "What if I never see him again?"...I miss Brockie and I am not even home from work yet. I say alittle prayer to God~ not that he needs any word from me to know what's on my heart..."God please keep Brockie and his friends safe."

I encouraged him to go because I love him...but I want him to stay at home with me because I love him....God knows i Love him. I sure do love him...and I miss him...ok my heart just cracked again.. i think its breaking.

I love you Brock...it's gonna be fun...I promise.

Is being a Mother always this hard?